Sunday, April 14, 2013

Unpopular

I am Afraid but it wouldn't be popular to say so. People are afraid of fear, even other peoples, as if it was contagious.You must say you are "fine" all the time because if you are not, no-one wants to know! Courage brings respect but fear sends people scrambling for the safety of not knowing. They would just rather not know. Maybe because we are all afraid sometimes and we would rather not be reminded.

Once when I was skydiving I got caught in a tree about 70ft from the ground. The fire department was called but didn't have a ladder long enough and we were told that the army were due to conduct some sort of exercises in the area and I had to  get out of there. I was being brave and joking for a while but had a little private melt down after about 45mins, luckily no one knew and I was heralded as brave. I didn't want to admit to my melt down because no one wanted to deal with the fact that I was a grizzling baby, much better for all of us to believe I was brave.

Another time I will always remember was when my eldest son was in intensive care for trying to kill himself and I rang my Mum. I just wanted to curl up in a ball in her arms and sob. She told me " put your head up and your shoulders back and go in there (to ICU) and deal with whatever you must!" I will always remember her words. 
That is what I have to do now with my husband sick with cancer 600kms away and and my dear old mum becoming frailer every day. My daughter isn't helping look after  him any more and I am alone but for one son who works away 2 weeks in 3. So now I must juggle my time between the two and I am scared to death that something will happen to Mum  while I am away. I am also scared of flying, scared of losing him, scared I won't measure up or will make stupid mistakes. Scared to admit to being scared because so many wonderful brave people cope with so much more every day!
my brothers car after the accident that he hasnt recoverred from yet
the world is still a beautiful place!

3 comments:

  1. It's okay to be scared and to say that you are Lee. You can't always put on a brave face. Sending you the biggest virtual hug I can.

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  2. Lee - I'm working all the time so only get to blog-slog occasionally. Thanks for the great post. I am afraid a lot...lots of stuff is scary! My mantra is I have fear - fear doesn't have me. and I go forward. Thinking of you often. Lori de Froup

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  3. I am catching up on blogs right now and when I read this, tears came to my eyes. It's perfect timing really. I was in the shower this morning and just started bawling because I've been holding in all the fear, anxiety, frustration and un-sureness about the future. Everyone expects me to be brave all the time. I guess the dam broke (or overflowed) and it all came out. It releases some of the pressure at least. I don't have anyone to talk to really about all the Nasties going on in my head so it's nice to hear that I'm not the only one. Thank you for putting into words (so eloquently) what we're all thinking and feeling... XO big hugs to you!

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